LDS Business Owner Adjusts Corporate Policy Under Cover of Religious Freedom

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward
From: Virgil Hanson, Ward Employment Specialist
Subject: Opportunities at Party On Abbottsville! 

Ward members who are looking for work may new find openings at Party On Abbottsville! soon.

Buoyed by Hobby Lobby's recent Supreme Court victory, Brian Samuelson, the devout Mormon owner of our local party supply chain has boldly changed company policy to reflect LDS values. Read the in-store memo below:

To All Employees

In light of the Supreme Court ruling on Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, the employees at Party On Abbottsville! will now be required to enjoy the lifestyle and religious freedoms embraced by believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.    

Effective immediately:

All male employees will wear white dress shirts, ties, navy blue polyester slacks and have no facial hair, tattoos or piercings.

All female employees will wear calf-length denim jumpers, gingham-checked blouses and only one earring per ear.

All employees will abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and caffeinated soft drinks.

Ten percent of employee salaries will be donated to the LDS Church. 

Gay employees may remain on staff so long as they are celibate.

Women may remain on staff so long as they are single, have no children at home, and do not expect equal pay.

Only church approved reading material will be permitted in the break rooms. All employee areas will be monitored, including bathroom stalls.

Health benefits will no longer cover the following:

contraceptives

anti-depressants

pain killers

prescription laxatives

We understand that some members of the Party On Abbottsville! team may be opposed to the above policies. We respect their right to object silently, in their own minds. But any vocal opposition will be met with immediate termination. 

If you would like to stop receiving these emails we respect your right to protest silently, in your own mind.