LDS General Authorities Embark on Anti-Gay Marriage World Tour
LDS Church General Authorities Hit the Road
The Salt Lake News - published May 21, 2014
The General Authorities kicked off their Anti-Gay Marriage World Tour at a regional conference in New Zealand last Sunday where Dallin Oaks courageously devoted the majority of his talk to the evils of gay marriage. Encouraged by the moral perfection of Elder Oaks' message, the General Authorities are traveling the world to address what they consider to be a full blown global crisis.
Overall, the tour has received tepid reviews.
"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"
"I have a gay son," 59-year-old Portuguese citizen, Marta, confessed. "I'm more worried about him getting a job--but then I'm not American," she conceded. "America must be a very strange place."
However some international saints have come away inspired by the Brethren's message.
"They gave me hope,"said 9-year-old Juan, a Brazilian who just lost his parents to malaria. "I'm going to try really hard not to be gay."
When asked about the Brethren's recent singularity of focus, LDS Public Relations insisted that the church continues to pursue a diverse humanitarian agenda.
"With the sisters still busy with their crafts, the timing seemed right to go after the gays," church spokesperson, Ramona Wimple explained. "But we continue to be on guard against the feminists and intellectuals."
Nevertheless, sources within the Church Office Building are voicing surprise at the zeal of this new campaign.
"We're now limited to a single talking point," an anonymous LDS Church employee told The News. "Whatever the problem is, the reason for it is gay marriage. For example: Why can't the church hire janitors to clean the ward meetinghouses?--Because of gay marriage. Why don't they sell caffeinated Coke at BYU?--Because of gay marriage. Why are there horses in the Book of Mormon?--Because of gay marriage…"
"It's become the Mormon version of Benghazi," the source concluded.
The Salt Lake News - published May 21, 2014
The General Authorities kicked off their Anti-Gay Marriage World Tour at a regional conference in New Zealand last Sunday where Dallin Oaks courageously devoted the majority of his talk to the evils of gay marriage. Encouraged by the moral perfection of Elder Oaks' message, the General Authorities are traveling the world to address what they consider to be a full blown global crisis.
Overall, the tour has received tepid reviews.
"I've been worried about the rising sea level that threatens my farmland," 47-year-old Hans of Denmark said. "But last night the Brethren told us we should be up in arms over gay marriage. I don't understand. Am I being selfish?"
"I have a gay son," 59-year-old Portuguese citizen, Marta, confessed. "I'm more worried about him getting a job--but then I'm not American," she conceded. "America must be a very strange place."
However some international saints have come away inspired by the Brethren's message.
"They gave me hope,"said 9-year-old Juan, a Brazilian who just lost his parents to malaria. "I'm going to try really hard not to be gay."
When asked about the Brethren's recent singularity of focus, LDS Public Relations insisted that the church continues to pursue a diverse humanitarian agenda.
"With the sisters still busy with their crafts, the timing seemed right to go after the gays," church spokesperson, Ramona Wimple explained. "But we continue to be on guard against the feminists and intellectuals."
Nevertheless, sources within the Church Office Building are voicing surprise at the zeal of this new campaign.
"We're now limited to a single talking point," an anonymous LDS Church employee told The News. "Whatever the problem is, the reason for it is gay marriage. For example: Why can't the church hire janitors to clean the ward meetinghouses?--Because of gay marriage. Why don't they sell caffeinated Coke at BYU?--Because of gay marriage. Why are there horses in the Book of Mormon?--Because of gay marriage…"
"It's become the Mormon version of Benghazi," the source concluded.
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