What Kind of Heterosexual are You?

To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood Holders
From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President
Subject: New Sexuality Survey

As the Relief Society sisters continue to embrace their divine orientation through crafts, the priesthood will participate in a cutting edge study of their own sexuality. Based on the ground breaking and refreshingly progressive questionnaire that was recently distributed at Brigham Young University (see here), all stake priesthood holders are requested to complete the following confidential survey:

Please describe your sexual orientation. Check all that apply:
  • I am heterosexual and do not struggle with same-sex attraction.
  • I am heterosexual but do struggle with same-sex attraction.
  • I am heterosexual but like to dress up like Madonna.
  • I am heterosexual but only get hard when I'm with another man.
  • I am heterosexual but wish my bishop was a Chippendale dancer so I could stuff my tithing into his g-string.
  • Other--please do not specify.  
Please complete and submit your surveys by this Friday. The stake presidency will prayerfully review the results over the weekend and then organize all respondents into smaller, like-minded focus groups for more specific research.

If you would like to stop receiving these emails, we'll assume you're the wrong kind of heterosexual.  

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