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To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood Holders From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President Subject: New Sexuality Survey As the Relief Society sisters continue to embrace their divine orientation through crafts , the priesthood will participate in a cutting edge study of their own sexuality. Based on the ground breaking and refreshingly progressive questionnaire that was recently distributed at Brigham Young University (see here ), all stake priesthood holders are requested to complete the following confidential survey: Please describe your sexual orientation. Check all that apply: I am heterosexual and do not struggle with same-sex attraction. I am heterosexual but do struggle with same-sex attraction. I am heterosexual but like to dress up like Madonna. I am heterosexual but only get hard when I'm with another man. I am heterosexual but wish my bishop was a Chippendale dancer so I could stuff my tithing into his g-string. Other--please do not specify.   Please complete and s...

To: Abbottsville Stake Priesthood From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President Subject: I Have a Gay Friend Now that the sisters are embracing their divine role through crafting , the Brethren have launched a new and exciting program for the priesthood: Sensitivity Training. As reported by George Orwellian  in that reliable and hard-thinking online news source, Sheep Press , last weekend's groundbreaking seminar entitled, "I Have a Gay Friend," was a magnificent success. Held in the Mormon conference center in Salt Lake City, the well attended gathering offered its white male and strategically placed female, black and Latino audience members helpful tips on how to deal with our pesky critics. One (coincidentally white upper-middle-class male) attendee put it to me this way: "I've always wanted to look like an open-minded guy. But up until now, I didn't have the talking points," he explained, specifically referring to the session,  Atheists: How...

LDS Church Invests in Huge Stock of Relief Society Crafting Supplies The Salt Lake News - published April 18, 2014 In response to recent protests by Mormon feminists, the LDS Church has allocated unlimited funds to the Relief Society for the purchase of crafting supplies. "Recently some of our women have expressed a misguided desire to receive the priesthood," official church spokesman, T. Delbert Bean remarked in a recent interview. "The Brethren are hoping that an investment in arts and crafts materials will help our beloved sisters return to and find joy in their divine role." Overall, the effort has been well-received. "I've been stamping like crazy!" said Sister Wilma Forbes of Burley, Idaho. "And I'm really into glitter. It's just so glamorous. Glitter makes me feel . . . free to be me." Having just constructed a life-sized papier-mache statue of Joseph Smith for her home's entryway, Phyllis McGee of Farmington, Utah exclaim...

It's a short blog this week, but I have a really good excuse. I've been visiting my adorable granddaughters! She just can't sit still for the camera. Neither can Grammy. Thank god the General Authorities in Salt Lake stepped up to the plate this week and wrote the satire for me. Stung by the persecution they suffered in the press last October when they denied women admission to the semi-annual General Priesthood Session, the Brethren made the brilliant decision to not only ban women, but also reporters--providing  this blogger as well as at least  one member of the press  with the kind of high satire we could never have invented ourselves. Honestly, what would bloggers like me do without them? Then famous funny man, Dallin Oaks, used his time at the Priesthood Session pulpit to assure his exclusively male audience that women have authority ! Not to be outdone by his elders, 62-year-old Neil L. Andersen, the youngest Mormon GA, reminded the faithful that the church ...

I dreaded every Sunday when I was a Mormon, but most of all the fifth Sunday. More specifically, the third hour of the fifth Sunday. Because that's when the bishopric has long held a joint meeting of the Priesthood and Relief Society. Since the purpose of these meetings is to unify the ward on issues, they almost always take the form of a pompous, demeaning and sometimes borderline terrifying lecture. Because let's face it, when you're a Mormon, you're always doing something wrong. In my day, it was drinking Coke, seeing R-rated films, neglecting your genealogy, or not recognizing the "gay problem." More recently--if you're a woman--it's wearing pants to church. Case in point. This past Sabbath Day happened to fall on the fifth Sunday in March. Instead of sitting in church, Mark and I were at Sinbad's with our friends Jerry and Cheryl where, over a martini, I read the following email invitation to a horrific fifth Sunday lecture that we could have...