debor067

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman Subject: Church survey on doubt In response to this highly negative and blatantly inaccurate story in the New York Times-- www [dot] nytimes [dot] com/bullshit-story --the LDS Church has conducted a reliable survey that reveals who among the faithful are actual doubters. The results are summarized in the following statement from a church spokesman: According to research conducted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a significant majority -- 77 percent -- of those who attend church "believe wholeheartedly in all the teachings of the church."  Some Latter-day Saints, however -- 22 percent in the survey -- find that "some teachings of the LDS Church are hard for me to believe." A demographic study of these "doubting Mormons" revealed them to be of mixed ethnicities, lower socio-economic status, and educated outside of Utah Valley or Rexburg, Idaho. A similar study of the 77 percent who c...

--Without them we wouldn't have such cool parties. The celebrating began for me yesterday at 4:00 p.m. when Jerry and Cheryl dropped by for a bit of wine on my patio. We discussed the pioneers, the prophets, LDS Church history and Utah culture, noting how much more enjoyable these topics were when accompanied by a good glass of cabernet. Then the three of us headed over to the Hotel Utah Saloon, where Mark and some more happy heretics trickled in for the happy hour. Our numbers were smaller this year. It's a tough gig for people coming after work, especially since we have to clear out at 8:00 p.m. when the concert starts. Nevertheless, our usual group of diehards were there, making for another very fun party. This is the place! We ate, drank, engaged in loud laughter and plenty of evil speaking of the self-appointed. One woman shared an amusing genealogy chart made by a believing sibling who managed to connect her line to every famous person imaginable, including Joseph Smith (...

To: Abbottsville Stake From: Mitchell Knightly, Abbottsville Stake President Subject: Avoiding self-righteousness Recently a stake member asked the following question. I felt that all of you should hear my response. Dear President Knightly, I work downtown amongst the nonmember community. Every day I am confronted with slovenly and scantily dressed people who listen to NPR, watch R-rated films, and discuss taboo subjects like marriage equality. I know that Heavenly Father doesn't want me to judge my fellow man. But, under such circumstances, I am finding it impossible not to do so. Have you any advice? Sincerely,  It's Hard To Be Humble Dear It's Hard To Be Humble, We live in a world that is filled with filth. It is only natural that people who are blessed with our advanced knowledge and high moral values be tempted to judge the nonmember community. But remember that even the lowest, scummiest, and most slovenly nonmember has the potential for greatness. Given the opportuni...

Sorry A-4, I've been neglecting your emails--but only as a public service! Click here to read yet another insightful post from Brother Randy Johnson (therandyjohnson[dot]com). --SPOILER ALERT-- Worried about getting through that first temple endowment session sans the painful humiliation? Randy shows us how with the help of an airline blanket, an inflight magazine, and an air vest that inflates upon the first hint of turbulence. Enjoy! I'll be back here soon.

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman Subject: No more bloody Sundays As many of you know, a man was arrested outside an LDS Church in Plain City, UT last Sunday after an argument over "seat saving" in the pews escalated to a fistfight in the parking lot and ended with another man being hit by a car. While it was a familiar scenario to us--the meeting featured a missionary farewell AND a baby blessing--it drew the attention of the media as well as the curiosity of the non-Mormon community. In an email to all bishops in the Abbottsville Stake, President Knightly wrote: "Because nonmembers lack our spiritual maturity, they cannot understand the fiery zeal we have for worshiping the Gospel. Consequently, when a common gentile sees us brawling in our church parking lot, he comes away with the wrong impression." This month's Sacrament Meeting lineup features some popular speakers, notably T. Ralph Sneed, renown expert on vacuum-packed cracked wheat...