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To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist Subject: Ward Preparedness Update Because of Boyd K. Packer's recent revision of the Beatitudes , as well as a local increase in tolerance chatter, I have decided to raise the ward threat level to RED . Originally a Utah phenomenon , a growing number of tolerance groups have formed in the outlying wards and stakes throughout the mission field, including here in Abbottsville. Bent on forcing their tolerance agenda on faithful Latter-day Saints, these tolerance cells are capable of all forms of tolerant crimes and mischief. I advise all ward members to remain calm, be vigilant, and report all acts of tolerance. My newly expanded Ward Preparedness team has been hard at work monitoring ward telephone lines, members' emails, and local LDS chat rooms. Over the past 24 hours, we've detected a shocking number of tolerant-leaning chatter. Here are some of the conversational "red flags...

To: abbottsville fourth ward From: elder young, france, paris mission Subject: the final stretch dear abbottsville fourth, thank you so much for all of your care packages, especially sister renfro's super-yummy marshmallow peep scones. comp and i gobbled them all up yesterday. after that we were bummed b/c we realized that our missions were almost over and we wouldn't be getting any more care packages. :-((((( but that's ok b/c comp and i are too spirichally mature to worry about feeding our tummies. what's really important is feeding our spirits, and the best thing for that is missionary work!!! :-))))) so comp and i grabbed what was left of our Joseph Smith pamphlets and road our bikes over to the Eyeful Tower. the square around the tower was packed with potential converts, but none of them wanted to hear our message. :-/// finally we climbed to the top of the tower and pitched all of the pamphlets into the wind, but as we watched the Lord's word drift all over pa...

To: Abbottsville Stake From: Mitchell Knightly, President of the Abbottsville Stake Subject: Matthew 5:3-12 -- the inspired version Dear Abbottsville Stake, Recently, the alarming display of tolerance toward same-sex marriage coupled with the unprecedented militaristic feminism displayed by a radical fringe in the Relief Society , inspired President Boyd K. Packer to declare in General Conference last weekend that  tolerance can be a vice.  As a follow up to that pivotal address, President Packer has taken it upon himself to rewrite the Beatitudes from Jesus' famous Sermon on the Mount, so that they may be of more use to church members today, as well as to future General Conference attendees and viewers. Blessed are the straight white men:  for theirs is the stand at General Conference. Blessed are those who must be celibate: for they may find their only fulfillment in General Conference. Blessed are the women who know their place: for they might be allowed to pray in Gen...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Susan Renfro, Relief Society President Subject: Official transcript of sister's conference prayer Hours ago, the Church Correlation Committee released an official transcript of the prayer that "Mormon feminist," Barbie Wooley , will be delivering in this weekend's General Conference. Read below and be inspired: Our dear, kind Heavenly Father,  My fellow sisters and I are so grateful to be Thy beloved spirit daughters. We thank Thee for giving our lives meaning, purpose, and direction.  We pray, dear Heavenly Father, that with Thy divine guidance, we may continue to find nobility in motherhood, joy in womanhood, and delight in our divine destiny.     We also ask, dear Heavenly Father, that Thou will help us, your beloved daughters, to be ever-mindful that we are each entitled to a satisfying and fulfilling experience in any church position.  So long as the priesthood is always on top. --Amen If you would like to stop receiving t...