debor067

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Bishop Paul Zimmerman Subject: Priesthood Meeting Protest It's come to our attention that some members of the Abbottsville Fourth Ward intend to travel to Salt Lake City to attend an upcoming protest. Before packing your bags, please read the following missive  from Church Public Affairs to the event organizers. Dear Sisters, The Brethren have held some wonderful conversations over recent years relative to women in the Church and the invaluable contributions we make. The recent changes you have seen, like lowering the missionary age for sisters and encouraging them to dress attractively , serve as examples and were facilitated by the efforts of many extraordinarily fine looking LDS women around the world.  After aggressively surveying their wives, daughters and secretaries, the Brethren have concluded that women in the Church, by a very large majority, do not share your advocacy for priesthood ordination for women and consider that position t...

Some years ago my husband, Mark, corresponded with a believing Mormon who posed the familiar question: "If the Church is 'false' then why are there so many anti-Mormon groups out there aimed at helping people recover from it?" His premise being: the mere fact that people who escape Mormonism are so damaged that they need years to recover PROVES that the LDS Church is true. -- After all, people who leave "false" churches aren't nearly as screwed up as we are, right? Then there's that other familiar refrain: "They can leave the Church, but they can't leave the Church alone." Translation: ExMormons who criticize, poke fun at, or even question the LDS Church are crazy, bitter, obsessed borderline psychotics who need years to recover. Which also proves the Church is true? I confess I do not possess enough spiritual intelligence to decipher Mormon logic. However, in my travels around Outerblogness this week I ran across a painful missive ove...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Sister Marla Sweet, Ward Primary President Subject: Lucy Finds a Way I urge everyone in the Abbottsville Fourth Ward to read the following article from The Friend --and then pass it on to the children of inactive members. Lucy Finds a Way By Stacy Coffee ( Based on a TRUE story ) Going to church by herself wasn't easy, but Lucy knew it was the only way she could escape her evil, sick, iniquitous hell hole. Lucy sat up in bed and turned on the light. "It's Sunday, time for church!" she sang. Her sister pulled the covers over her head. "Lucy, turn off the light. You know we don't go to church anymore." Lucy could hear her parents in the kitchen. But she knew they weren't getting ready for church. Rather, they were involved in a much darker pursuit. Lucy put on her dress and hurried out of the room, leaving the door open and the light on. Lucy could remember when her parents used to take her family to church, but that ...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Wilbur T. Nussel, soon to be former  2nd counselor in the Elders Quorum presidency Subject: I want my planet back! Recently an  article on the LDS website  announced a shocking reversal in longstanding Mormon doctrine: "Latter-day Saints' doctrine of exhalation is often reduced in media to a (similarly) cartoonish image of people receiving their own planets."   Excuse me? Since when did my future planet become a cartoon? It was supposed to be the real deal. And not "in media." In church! Every Sunday. They promised. My very own planet. For crying out loud, it's the least the Brethren can do for me, given what I've done for them. What I've Done For Them (the short list) Attended all my meetings. Paid my tithing. Cleaned the ward meetinghouse toilets. Cleaned the interior of the Turley Family's Suburban. I read the  entire  Book of Mormon. Watched the Super Bowl every year on Monday. Knew the Church was true with...