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To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Donna Banta Subject: Larry Hagman, 1931-2012 As an English major at BYU, I sat through countless classroom discussions in which devout believers claimed that whomever we were studying would make "a great Mormon." I heard this theory applied to Emerson, Thoreau, Dostoyevsky, Emily Dickinson, Orwell, Hemingway, Eugene O'Neill and Mark Twain. In the broader BYU community the range of potential converts expanded to include various headliners of the day, such as President Jimmy Carter, President Ronald Reagan, Alexander Haig, Walter Cronkite, Johnny Carson, the cast of Three's Company  and Barry Manilow. But there was one celebrity of the late '70's and early '80's that, in my recollection, never earned this accolade: Larry Hagman. I was a junior at BYU when the TV series Dallas premiered and propelled the wheeling and dealing J.R. Ewing into the American consciousness. The show was immediately denigrated by the campus dev...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: T. Loren Dunn, Ward Financial Clerk Subject: Convert your wealthy Republican friends! Disappointing as they were, the results of the recent national election have uncovered a new demographic of potential converts. And just in time for tithing settlement! In light of this exciting discovery, the Brethren in Salt Lake City have sent the following mailing out to all wealthy Republican donors: Not interested in paying your fair share of taxes but eager to give billions to a super-pac with a contrived world view and virtually no relationship with math and science? Eager to invest in an organization that doesn't explain how it spends your money and does seemingly nothing for you in return? Do you believe that the definition of legitimate rape is the pressing moral issue of our time? In other words, have you enjoyed being a Republican these past 4 years? Then you'll LOVE being a Mormon! Contact your local LDS ward meetinghouse for details. Be ready, ...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Dennis Newsome, Stake Public Affairs Council Subject: Keep up Appearances! Dear Abbottsville Fourth, I feel your pain. The election is over and the Lord's candidate lost. The white male patriarchy that was divinely called to lead our once righteous nation has been overthrown by a bunch of multicolored men and women  who want to expand the definition of legitimate rape and let any 2 consenting adults get married "just because they love each other." Of course you're angry. The Brethren are too. And the fight for righteousness will go on. But for now I remind all of us to love our neighbors. Not because we do, necessarily, and certainly not because Heavenly Father wants us to. But because if we don't at least act like we do, the nonmember community might think that we're a bunch of misogynistic, homophobic, small minded sore losers. Remember, the election may be over, but the LDS PR campaign continues! In that spirit, I encourag...

To: Abbottsville Fourth Ward From: Brother J. "Bull" Barton, Ward Preparedness Specialist Subject: Ward Preparedness Update -- The "victims" of Hurricane Sandy Due to the disastrous East Coast super storm that was brought on by the region's feminists, gays, and intellectuals,  I have decided to maintain the Ward Threat Level at  RED . As always, every ward member should have on hand a 1 year supply of food, a hazmat suit, at least 2 handguns, 4 rolls of duct tape, and a gallon of consecrated oil. Also scriptures,  the Ensign , dominoes, Yahtzee!, Twister,  and other diversions to help kill time in the bunker. After all, we reside in that infamous hotbed of  evil sinners , otherwise known as the Left Coast, and must take extreme measures to protect our way of life. The feminists, gays, and intellectuals have us surrounded, and they are up to their usual mischief: looting, murdering, masturbating, causing high tides, torrential rain and flooding, and then blaming ...